What’s so f’ing hard about this? I’ve got the skills, I’ve got the eye, I’ve even got the money..

Today I thought about how everything I’m doing and have done feels “junior” and how it’s about time I grew up and started completing some serious ‘adult’ work. After all, I’m the tender age of 48, turning 49 in a few weeks – ‘bout time right?

Hm ..

I’ve continually dreamt of my pre-pubescent days of the ease and simplicity of that dreamy, child-like state where I would create art for no reason or rhyme, where I would get lost in painting, drawing, imagining and have no qualms about it all – it would just happen and I’d be happy with my rock painting of a wintery scene copied from a Christmas card received from a distant relative I knew nothing about let alone being able to grasp the concept of someone living over 10,000 miles away.

And so, instead of being creative, using the skills I have always had and conjuring up some mad, exciting project that I can dive in with all my heart and soul where all I crave is creativity rather than the insatiable need for comfort food, hugs and chilled jazz music – I insist on continuing to tidy and rearrange my studio, put things in order as I was instructed when I was young [and did even then] and listen to chilled jazz music!

An unusual bug lands on my computer screen. It’s head is orange and under a magnifying glass I am inspired. But, not enough to do anything about it. I am quick to think of many ideas I could do with this bug – turn him into a cartoon character, give him a name and match box home with another unusual bug to see what happens, put him under a miscoscope .. but then I’ve always been great at conjuring, imagining and coming up with ideas – but when it comes to fulfilling any of these ideas ..

That’s what I find so fucking hard. Picking an idea, feeling the passion surrounding it, knowing it’s what many people term ‘what I’ve been put on this planet to achieve’ and then of course, the peace du resistance, going for it, seeing that idea come to fruition.

So, I find myself tired just from thinking about all that. My bum is aching from all the sitting I do and have been doing. So, like all my great ideas, I’ll dump this note right here and carry on with my subliminal streams of consciousness and dialogue tomorrow.

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